we are all mad here.

well,
didn't think i would leave this year behind without saying goodbye eh ?

my first in eight months' time,
i'm truly sorry for neglecting this space of mine.
sometimes i just don't know what to write anymore ha ha.
as time passed i've became less passionate, less productive.
i always had thought in my mind, but never put them into action.
but i always have thoughts.

so now,
2015 has ended,
and me being me,
never did anything that i've promised myself earlier of the year.
for an example,
continuous study so that i wouldn't have to suffer during finals.
it's finals season again and as it has always been,
i'm suffering now in this period.
me to blame.

2015 had struck me with various events,
lots of joys, lots of pain.
i would love to say that it has been a blessed year,
but i could not.
(but i am still blessed with so much i am not complaining)
everything was well until i said that everything is well.
and there's this loss i am still trying to get over with.
it's going to be a whole new year, but this time,
we are not going to cross to it together though we have not before, physically.

i really hoped i would change,
to be someone better.
because i know i'm lacking so so much
and yet what i do is complain and do nothing.
then i complain about people, two hours later i hate myself for complaining about them.
but truly sometimes,
i feel so vulnerable and i always give in.
mom says that i am too accommodating and i don't blame her,
but the truth is,
how am i going to change myself, to speak up ?
so this is the me that will remain,
until one day i courage up myself and change it.
that one day, i suppose.

God has been good.
very merciful very kind.
had and always will.
there's this one friend that tells me,
you'll never know how good God is,
if you are not wicked till the extent to realize how good He is.
and i can say that God is good,
because i know my darkest sins.
but He is ever forgiving,
to accept someone like me, unworthy and sinful.
i'm blessed more than i can asked for.

so to sum up this year,
still the same.
except for one change.
but still the same.
but anyway, let's wrap up this chapter,
and continue the following one with positive vibes.

to the extent where I will break down if a pencil coolly rolls off and drop itself to the silent floor. that's the tick that would probably blow me up.

and this is, another year.

without me growing, well of course except in physical terms.

i'm happy.
with my family, everything seems right.
they tend to do everything for me and yet i still fail to figure myself out.
thank you for your kindness and love.
there's this sister of mine,
whenever she knows i want to get something,
she'd get it before i do, and with another sister, present to me as a gift.
then there's my mum who will buy me cakes and sleep in the living room for my return,
treated me a wholesome meal and walked out to the nearest mart to get ice cream.
then there's my grandparents who love having dinner with us, and
then there's dad who never remembers a birthday lol
but i feel happy.

all of these couldn't have happened if my Father above did not bring me into this world.
and for that i am eternally grateful for my birth day,
for the blessings He never ceased to give me,
for providing everything i needed,
for providing me everything that i do not deserve.
thank You, my Father,
for keeping me in peace.

as i've grown older,
i simply realize, you just can't fight the order.
if it's meant to be found, it will be.
i've always have this bad habit of wanting to find things desperately when i lose them.
with all my might i'd find them, with all costs,
even when it means turning my house upside down.
then i'd start asking and blaming and asking,
why me ? why always me ?
why must i keep finding stuffs, why wouldn't they just come to me ?
three things i hate the most,
to be woken up from my sleep, to wait, and to find.
but i guess it's one of God's way to form a better me.
and also in a way,
to test my faith,

and i'd always fail.

because i'll keep complaining for probably a whole 2 hours,
only to when i've calmed down,
i'd ask myself why do i have to find things so desperately now ?
why couldn't i wait ?
there's so much whys in my life,
i've lost all control over them.
and i've let them take me over.
really hate myself when i want something so much, so badly.
i'd find myself in hard to control myself over it sigh
i'd have to suppress myself, talk to myself until my mind gets over it.
and you do not want to guess how long does it takes, hah

thus for this whole new beginning of me,
embarking the journey of a 22 year old,
i just hope to learn to be patient a little more.
and do not lose faith under any circumstances,
do not lose f a i t h.

thus,
closing and opening another chapter,
here i am,
trying to redefine myself again.

p/s : thank you for all the warm wishes,
my day couldn't have make it without all of your loves and supports from year to year.
thank you all, and may God bless all of you kind souls.

pp/s : haruiee is one year old !  *claps* and i am so happy being able to see Bambiee ^^

in the same room,
just within an hour,
the bright room dimmed itself,
with incoming thunder,
and slowly, sun rays started to shine again.
and because of that hour,
i've missed my chance to drive back to uni as the traffic worsens when everyone is getting ready for home from work.
i wasn't allowed to drive at night due to my eyesight
and very much i do not want to be stucked in a jam.
i guess i'd just have to get up extra early tomorrow and make my way back.

second week of the 4th semester has ended.
loads of shits happened.
loads of things lost.
loads of money wasted.
loads of people come and were gone.
sometimes i'm just fascinated that how can things happened so quickly.
the only time when time momentarily stops is then lectures and tutorials are being conducted. *laughs*
anyway lecturers are pushing fast this semester, and tutorials will be starting from the third week onwards.
in the last semester, my tutorials only started in the second month.
sigh the need to cope up with my uni life again.

i am barely emotional because i don't think i have emotions ?
people see smiles on my face because hey a gloomy and fierce face wouldn't make people's day good.
so i smile when i can though i do not want to.
and still i talk a lot.
because i cannot bear the silence and it will make things awkward.
so i talk.
but compared to the last semester,
the time where i try to converse has lessen, because practically,
i don't give a fuck, anymore.
you treat me nice, and you'll be treated the same.
i don't want wars between people. i just want peace.
so give me peace and i will give you yours.
it's kinda weird talking bout this now heh
probable because when i am alone, i'd have such thoughts because i am all alone in my free space.

anyway, i'm not all like that.
only towards the people in my uni i supposed ?
because i've had a brilliant weekend, because my companions are awesome.
there's my sister, and J, and Chels, and aunt who flew back, and mum.
pretty much made up my weekend, all thanks to people like these.
i had a brilliant weekend last week too, with the idgaf gang lol
thanks for the term i love it.
yeah i'm positively sure that everything is brilliant when i am not in that damned uni.
i am emotionless being in that uni, around ppl in that uni.
the uni is great, much more that i can ever asked for, but just my problem.
because i don't know what to figure anymore.

all in all,
my faith is constantly being tested,
but still i chose to trust in Him.
things would've been worse,
and i am just grateful that i am being under His care.
thank you, Daddy :)

and for now,
i think i shall just go watch a movie.

you know how depressing it is to listen to wang lee hom's ni de ai,
alone in your dorm room, 283km away from home.
i don't wanna be here, i just want to go home.

yes i regret to say that 30 days have passed by,
and so here i am, back to this familiar sight.
i've never hated to be back.
but this time i really do.
and the reason, i don't know.

there's weight in my heart and probably there are some things i can't leave behind.
but in order to move forward i have to pack them up and throw them aside.
the thing is i am unable to do that, and now this package of emotions is weighing me down.
like a burden and it makes me hard to breathe.
even when i was packing last night, i felt homesick, when i am at home myself.
looking at the room i know i'm going to leave for the next idk how long,
i can't really accept that it's time to leave.
i hate endings like that.
because for an ending like that everything must be put behind,
everything would become memories.
the times when i felt happy, i can't bring them with me.
even though those are the moments i wanted to live in.
Life treats us like this.
the end of this, the beginning of that.
how good will it be, if there are no endings,
so beginnings are not necessary and we wouldn't need to have this whole phase of emotion change.

for the first time, i've hated to return here so badly.
so so badly it really aches my chest whenever i think of it.
everything is just not in order,
everything is just out of place.
i can't let go but i am trying to.
and until then, i really hope i am able to keep myself alive.

you wouldn't and never will know this but places with you being there is just somehow better. 

오랜만이에요 ~ 

18th day into the brand new year, 
and loads have happened.

Sem III has officially ended, with me possibly flunking all of my papers once again.
Langkawi trip has happily ended too.
and most importantly, my baby dino Jong Hyun has released his solo album,
INFINITE has crept back into my life,
and it's more than an obsession.
worst of all, it just hit me all of a sudden
and i went crazy and started to rewatch all of their variety shows,
during exam period. 
i kept my balance of studying and watching and i felt much more alive lol
it's like there is something for me to look forward to haha
and the seven of them are just too too perfect.
love all of their chemistry and familyship among each other. 
they have been enduring loads of hardships,
being treated unfairly because they are not from a big company.
so many peoplr looked down on them and i don't know why.
they are so humble, so hardworking,
and it really shocked me that they were not recognized on the streets in Korea.
if i meet them on the streets i'd probably go crazy. 
saranghae, infinite yaaaaaa.

next on would be my 35 days' holiday.
and there are so many things i wanted to do.
i've decided to learn korean, baking and also photoshop hahaha
then there's so many dramas and movies for me to watch somemore.
i guess it's a little too much, but i hope i can make it lol

so this is my life currently.
now, a pic of my 7 babies, and jonghyun's 1st win XD