we are all mad here.

to the extent where I will break down if a pencil coolly rolls off and drop itself to the silent floor. that's the tick that would probably blow me up.

and this is, another year.

without me growing, well of course except in physical terms.

i'm happy.
with my family, everything seems right.
they tend to do everything for me and yet i still fail to figure myself out.
thank you for your kindness and love.
there's this sister of mine,
whenever she knows i want to get something,
she'd get it before i do, and with another sister, present to me as a gift.
then there's my mum who will buy me cakes and sleep in the living room for my return,
treated me a wholesome meal and walked out to the nearest mart to get ice cream.
then there's my grandparents who love having dinner with us, and
then there's dad who never remembers a birthday lol
but i feel happy.

all of these couldn't have happened if my Father above did not bring me into this world.
and for that i am eternally grateful for my birth day,
for the blessings He never ceased to give me,
for providing everything i needed,
for providing me everything that i do not deserve.
thank You, my Father,
for keeping me in peace.

as i've grown older,
i simply realize, you just can't fight the order.
if it's meant to be found, it will be.
i've always have this bad habit of wanting to find things desperately when i lose them.
with all my might i'd find them, with all costs,
even when it means turning my house upside down.
then i'd start asking and blaming and asking,
why me ? why always me ?
why must i keep finding stuffs, why wouldn't they just come to me ?
three things i hate the most,
to be woken up from my sleep, to wait, and to find.
but i guess it's one of God's way to form a better me.
and also in a way,
to test my faith,

and i'd always fail.

because i'll keep complaining for probably a whole 2 hours,
only to when i've calmed down,
i'd ask myself why do i have to find things so desperately now ?
why couldn't i wait ?
there's so much whys in my life,
i've lost all control over them.
and i've let them take me over.
really hate myself when i want something so much, so badly.
i'd find myself in hard to control myself over it sigh
i'd have to suppress myself, talk to myself until my mind gets over it.
and you do not want to guess how long does it takes, hah

thus for this whole new beginning of me,
embarking the journey of a 22 year old,
i just hope to learn to be patient a little more.
and do not lose faith under any circumstances,
do not lose f a i t h.

thus,
closing and opening another chapter,
here i am,
trying to redefine myself again.

p/s : thank you for all the warm wishes,
my day couldn't have make it without all of your loves and supports from year to year.
thank you all, and may God bless all of you kind souls.

pp/s : haruiee is one year old !  *claps* and i am so happy being able to see Bambiee ^^

in the same room,
just within an hour,
the bright room dimmed itself,
with incoming thunder,
and slowly, sun rays started to shine again.
and because of that hour,
i've missed my chance to drive back to uni as the traffic worsens when everyone is getting ready for home from work.
i wasn't allowed to drive at night due to my eyesight
and very much i do not want to be stucked in a jam.
i guess i'd just have to get up extra early tomorrow and make my way back.

second week of the 4th semester has ended.
loads of shits happened.
loads of things lost.
loads of money wasted.
loads of people come and were gone.
sometimes i'm just fascinated that how can things happened so quickly.
the only time when time momentarily stops is then lectures and tutorials are being conducted. *laughs*
anyway lecturers are pushing fast this semester, and tutorials will be starting from the third week onwards.
in the last semester, my tutorials only started in the second month.
sigh the need to cope up with my uni life again.

i am barely emotional because i don't think i have emotions ?
people see smiles on my face because hey a gloomy and fierce face wouldn't make people's day good.
so i smile when i can though i do not want to.
and still i talk a lot.
because i cannot bear the silence and it will make things awkward.
so i talk.
but compared to the last semester,
the time where i try to converse has lessen, because practically,
i don't give a fuck, anymore.
you treat me nice, and you'll be treated the same.
i don't want wars between people. i just want peace.
so give me peace and i will give you yours.
it's kinda weird talking bout this now heh
probable because when i am alone, i'd have such thoughts because i am all alone in my free space.

anyway, i'm not all like that.
only towards the people in my uni i supposed ?
because i've had a brilliant weekend, because my companions are awesome.
there's my sister, and J, and Chels, and aunt who flew back, and mum.
pretty much made up my weekend, all thanks to people like these.
i had a brilliant weekend last week too, with the idgaf gang lol
thanks for the term i love it.
yeah i'm positively sure that everything is brilliant when i am not in that damned uni.
i am emotionless being in that uni, around ppl in that uni.
the uni is great, much more that i can ever asked for, but just my problem.
because i don't know what to figure anymore.

all in all,
my faith is constantly being tested,
but still i chose to trust in Him.
things would've been worse,
and i am just grateful that i am being under His care.
thank you, Daddy :)

and for now,
i think i shall just go watch a movie.