we are all mad here.

i have never thought i'd had my week started so badly.

so there's s case that i've fucked up big time,
because i did not oversee the beginning of the process.
and so i let everyone down,
on the first day of my work this year.
and then i had a fight with my mum.
and then i almost broke a stranger's phone.
and then i had a quarrel with my other half,
because he is frustrated to pick me up.
which got me thinking,
do i really need this?
since i can be there for myself whenever i need myself.
so is this even necessary ?

anyway it hasn't been a pleasant week.
and i sincerely hope that it'll get better.
and also, pray that this will be the worse i'll ever experience at work?

Well hello.
i couldn't find a better space to vent so here i am.

the last post was in November 2016.
and everyday, well most of the days, i wanted to pen down my thoughts,
often than not, i'd just spare myself with the same excuse - i don't have the time.
knowing me, you'll know its complete bullshit cause i am just pure lazy.
also other times, i'd consider other blogging spaces where i'd find time to explore,
or maybe set up my personal pages, but it's obvious that they are all attempts as tadahhhh
here i am, back here again ha ha

so now i thought its 2019. Brand New 2019.
let's try to start this again ?

fast forward,
I had finished law school, finished my pupillage, got called to the bar and fortunately managed to land on a job.
I am beyond lucky and blessed to have this job.
I have nice bosses and i do not hate my job.
everything about my job is well, except for one person who tends to get on my nerve whenever i have to deal with her but its the laziness in me that makes me reluctant to get up for work everyday.
and it makes me blue everyday.
truthfully i really don't know what should i be feeling.
or maybe i shouldn't feel at all.

on the other hand, i went to another interview,
which job scopes are where my interests lie.
However i didn't get it.
I was fine with me not getting it, because that's what i asked for, prayed for,
to not get it as i have already been confirmed by my firm.
it was one week ago when i got to know the results.
i was fine then but not now, not today.
probably its because most of the people i know got in?
or maybe its because she got in?
well, my other half got in.
and i am truly happy for him,
but i just have this strong sad and down emotion gushing up to me after he receive the e-mail yesterday.

2019 is bound to be a year of changes.
and maybe i just do not know how and where will our relationship lead to in the end.
sometimes i hope we could just remain like this, close & happy.
but given the circumstances it's not going to happen because we lack communication.
and he doesn't like communicating stuffs that's not important to him, even though they matters to me.
so this is where our indifference struck, and me being emotional will tend to be nasty and angry,
which i'd regret after i cool myself down.
as of now, he's no sure where will he be posted to.
and i doubt he'll be placed anywhere near me.
so not knowing what will become of us in the future, i am afraid.
and i couldn't stop thinking.

ah it's too early for me to be moody.
considered them ranted and over.

2019 is an important year.
i am hoping that i'll manage to have a breakthrough this year,
stepping out of my comfort zone,
and facing whatever challenges without being negative.

all in all, i know God's grace is enough for me.
just got to have faith.