we are all mad here.

you know how depressing it is to listen to wang lee hom's ni de ai,
alone in your dorm room, 283km away from home.
i don't wanna be here, i just want to go home.

yes i regret to say that 30 days have passed by,
and so here i am, back to this familiar sight.
i've never hated to be back.
but this time i really do.
and the reason, i don't know.

there's weight in my heart and probably there are some things i can't leave behind.
but in order to move forward i have to pack them up and throw them aside.
the thing is i am unable to do that, and now this package of emotions is weighing me down.
like a burden and it makes me hard to breathe.
even when i was packing last night, i felt homesick, when i am at home myself.
looking at the room i know i'm going to leave for the next idk how long,
i can't really accept that it's time to leave.
i hate endings like that.
because for an ending like that everything must be put behind,
everything would become memories.
the times when i felt happy, i can't bring them with me.
even though those are the moments i wanted to live in.
Life treats us like this.
the end of this, the beginning of that.
how good will it be, if there are no endings,
so beginnings are not necessary and we wouldn't need to have this whole phase of emotion change.

for the first time, i've hated to return here so badly.
so so badly it really aches my chest whenever i think of it.
everything is just not in order,
everything is just out of place.
i can't let go but i am trying to.
and until then, i really hope i am able to keep myself alive.