hi it iz i again.
another three days and it'll mark the beginning of the fourth month being here.
it is really weird how time flies,
and saddening as it can be because i have proved myself useless all these while.
still the same, i'm living for the sake of just being here.
i haven't adapt to this environment,
and often, very often i wonder why is my soul in this body,
and what the heck am i doing here.

so much work to finish but i'm only interested in my bed.
i've cut down on dramas and anime,
i have not finish SAO in a week and i stopped obsessing over Kim Do Jin.
because i know that i would be eaten up had i not stop all this craziness.
well it's kind of a good thing i mean i'm rational again,
and now the tempting bed sigh.
i tend to sleep every single second.
i slept around 12 hours in total yesterday and of course it's not enough.
i have so many tutorials' questions to be done but i just couldn't make myself do them because frankly i do not understand a single shit.
sigh and i still feel sleepy in class which is really bad.
PBL and FGD next week and i hate talking.
i hate to be evaluated verbally.
i rather do extra ten papers in exchange because i just hate talking like that.
and to approach people is one of my biggest fear.
one thing i would have to overcome it during my next DG.
oh Lord please lend me Your strength.

for one thing i'm still holding up this long probably is because i just don't want to disappoint anyone.
whether i could or could not do it is no longer a question.
i don't care but then i just need to find a purpose.
i have all the ideas and things and plans to do all in my head,
but i just can't seem to be able to carry them out.
everyday just everyday i would go okay i'll do this later and then i'll either visit Jane or the bed.
waking up with the same idea but then nah there's always later.
i have been struggling with this since my SPM time,
but there's never a solution.
which means STPM is just sheer luck.
even right now i'm supposed to be doing my consti questions and then you see ...
and i bet the next thing i will do is hoping onto my bed.
if this continues,
i would be expel for all's sake.

you can really see how lost i am.
sigh until when will i be able to put up with such behaviour.
hate myself for not being like this.
i need a purpose i need the drive.
most importantly,
the fruit of self-control.

hope to be better this week.
looking at them,
i know i can make it.