if you know me,
since a while ago,
i had wanted to leave this place so desperately.
don't know why,
but i longed for freedom,
so much of freedom.

but now to think of it,
i realize how little i was,
how ignorant, childish i had been.
i'm a rebellious one,
love to quarrel every single matter with parents,
wouldn't listen to them,
and do whatever it takes to prove that i am right.
i liked winning that much,
cause it gives me power and authority.
really hate how parents would say "i'm the adult, listen to me."
egoistic i was and i am now, still.
past like this definitely left trails in my life.
and some unforgettable,
the pain i had cause and what caused me to pain.

to look back now,
i can only say that how lucky i was to be stupid back then,
because if it wasn't for that(me stupid) ,
i wouldn't be appreciating life right now,
wouldn't be this person,
and will continue to be that small sad idiotic kid that longed to grow up more than anything else.
i grew up a lot, or so i think.
i've learnt to see matters from a different perspective, compared to the one i was years ago.
didn't know 1825 days would be able to change who i was before.
the one i was before,
PITA i would say myself haha

i really wonder why was i like that back then.
i have everything wonderful God had blessed me with abundantly,
but still nothing was enough for me?

and then now,
i am twenty.
the starting of the third phase of my life.
i am so blessed that i managed to enter my desired university,
to get my desired course, to be in a place i longed to be (though it takes an hour or two to reach the city).
but so much of this,
actually doesn't amuse me at all.
didn't amuse me as much as i thought it would,
because of the fact that i need to leave my home.

for the second phase of my life,
i had been struggling to find ways to get out of this town.
i want to be in KL, where all the fun and food is.
so after SPM, i wanted to go college but my parents wouldn't let me.
financial issues and idk what more.
so i was forced to go for STPM, and believe me it was a hell of two years.
you would have known if you had been following me.
i hated it so damn much everyday i would go home whining and wailing
complaining how much i hate.
Hate, was the only thing back then.
and even now still, i really hate that two years.

but i really don't know how or why everything turned out to be so, different.
the outcome of me going into form six,
was really a twist.
irony heh how i hated and how good it turned out for me.
probably God had seen me suffer for two years so he gave me the best out of me.
and so He made me think what would i be if my parents were to let me enter college earlier.
all i can think of are all negative stuffs.
i know i wouldn't be able to resist all the temptations in KL.
it's KL afterall, so much to go after.
and then He made me think what had that two years brought me.
a lot of pain. just that a lot of pain.
but things managed to turn well somehow, really thank God for that :)
and then He made me think what my mum had always told me :
"listen to me, i'm your mother, i am always right."
the fact that she had pushed me so hard to go for form six,
ignored all my crying and complaining by just saying :
"just live with it, endure."
really changed my life.
so many words i could describe what i feel back then,
'sorrow, grief, pain, anger, depressed, frustrated, sore.'
she was the one who had seen me cry the most,
and then wouldn't do anything to make the pain go away.

if she had been this strict on my second sister,
things would be different too now aye ?

and this is the first time i would like to admit,
my mum is right.
as much as i hate to admit,
she is always right.
choosing this path wasn't easy but
where would i be if i didn't endure that two years ?
what would i have become if she wasn't so hard on me ?
in my entire form six's life,
i really think i had grew more mature,
being able to think rationally,
and learnt how to deal with things differently,
mainly because the time i had spent with my family.
really opened my mind wide.
spotted so much changes in me and i am so grateful that mum really pushed me over my limits.
but it's worth it, i guess.
the smile she had and the hug she gave me when i told her my results in person,
the joy she leaped for me when i told her i got the course i desired,
everything paid off.

because of this family i had been dying to gain my freedom, to leave.
but because of this family too, i want to stay.
more than anything, i do not want to leave.
and my mum, i really owe you my life.
my life saviour really.
so many things would have been different if it wasn't for you.
i know it's hard for you too,
needing to deal with three daughters of different personalities,
plus the need to deal with your work,
and yet i still make you mad all the time.

sad to say really i grew up.
day by day i'm growing i know you are so sad deep inside haha
but mum, i'll always be that little girl of yours,
you know that.
thank you mum,
sorry mum,
and i love you, mother.