long crap post.
oh hello.
it has been a week past Chinese New Year.
can't believe it came and then it's half way through for this festive celebration.
so fake right.
maybe i did not enjoy myself enough.
when i was in school,
all i ever wanted is to have long long holidays.
so i really look forward to celebrate CNY.
but, not this year, not this time.
because for the whole CNY, i wasn't allowed to take leave.
anyway they are kind enough to give me a day of on chu er.
so basically my CNY is a working CNY.
and because i have to work,
I hadn't have the time for family bonding,
I'd missed out so many house visitng moments with the pals,
I had lost myself in the midst of chasing after time.
i didn't handle it well,
everything goes astray.
and nothing is fun.
so much that happened lately,
omma is not here and i can only stfu.
sometimes i think i get treated differently because i am of the different race.
people assumed whoever i conversed in chinese with, are my friends.
people also assumed that i was talking bad about them when i conversed with my one and only chinese friend.
i'd like to make myself clear.
not everyone can speak english or malay.
so why is it an issue when they talk to me and i replied in chinese ?
because you can't understand so you want to make a deal.out.of it.
so should i make it an issue when you converse in your own dialect too ?
so it's alright for you to use your own language but not alright for me to use mine.
ah i get it thank you.
and then, things i was warned i was told.
do you think i am stupid enough to do something-that was told to me beforehand-wrong?
seriously i don't think i am smart but i am neither stupid till that extent.
i had been super careful because i did loads of mistakes,
but then i feel so angry and pissed for getting reprimanded at things I HAVE NOT COMMITTED.
but other than swallowing that anger and agree to what you think i was wrong,
there's nothing i can do.
so what you fight back.
oh you have no manners.
because i am new,
of course everything is my fault and yeah you say i'm wrong,
of course i am wrong.
just swallow.
and another one, you don't sound or judge me for something that you did the same as what i did.
i remembered you saying those exact things that cannot be done and i watch you doing them.
er logic please ?
plus, keep asking me to do things that you could have possibly done your ownself .
after that blaming me for not doing this and that.
hello ? did you do them yourself too ?
sometimes i'm so pissed i don't feel like doing anything.
why should i complete what you had started ?
Own your actions.
why have they got to be pushed till their mine ?
of course, for me to be better.
that's why i have to do everything i was told to.
anyway i remained silent and yes-ed everything that has been ommented on.
my fault or not, all also my fault.
whatever la.
because patience is a virtue.
have to train myself to handle such situations.
so currently i'm doing for the sake of doing.
telling myself to be better every bloody time.
it's frustrating but i don't wanna end what i had started not long ago.
things i don't express verbally,
i pen them down.
no i'm not complaining.
this is just a way for me to express what i feel.
because one heart can only take so much.
and remember no one is a saint.
i am not and won't be afraid.
cause we are all humans.
you wanna judge and assume, so will i.