strings.
i've had too many of those moments,
where i have so much of my own thoughts,
where i want to pen them down,
but eventually did not,
which leads me to this point of regret.
i'm in a struggle with a lot of things.
between those i need to do,
and those i wanted to realize.
am in this fine line of dilemma and churning heartache,
where everything just goes round and round for nothing,
because i never try to seek fr a solution.
these cycles died down when i am unconscious,
and come back to life the moment i open my eyes.
to be honest,
i do not know why do i feel so restless and so incapable.
to be honest,
at this moment,
i don't think i am actually living ?
the reason why i have not succumbed to this black hole of mine is simply because
i do not care.
i am living in a free falling mode,
where i don't give a damn about anything,
no, not even my upcoming finals.
and this recent trait of mine has caused me to be utterly miserable and frustrated,
and i really cannot focus on a single thing.
so you see, i'm in a dilemma,
of a lot of things,
where emotions and happenings and everything just mingle together
an equation i really cannot brain.
or just as simple as that,
the Blue Sadness in me just decided to activate.
(if you watch Inside Out you'll get what i mean and yeah i was trying to joke, so much from a depressed person hah )
though i actually have one theory that caused me this pain.
my roommate had actually dropped my hard drive.
and it cannot be recognized by any computers, nor it can be fixed,
nor my life collection - of dramas and movies, not to mention my life collection of photographs- is be retrievable.
ha ha ha
so just like that i'm wiped out from the surface of this earth,
those frames of places where i have been to,
streets that i have seen,
i can no longer remind myself of those wonderful moments by seeing them alive on my screen,
but only though my own memory now.
and i really really have a bad memory,
else i'd be conquering the world already.
so my question as always,
why me ?
what have i done for it to be ... me ?
and so i thought,
losses are really inevitable for me.
i believe it gets better.
it did, until i suddenly snapped again and thought about my loss.
gosh this is really unhealthy but i really cannot stop myself.
is living supposed to be like this ?
i'm only 23, and i really cannot be positive about life.
i'm sorry i'm really being an ungrateful brat, an emotional spoiled child,
but i just cannot contain all these frustration and clueless circles residing in me now.
now my second theory to my frustration is that,
i really hate to accept that there are sacrifices to be made for anything good.
guess this has always been unacceptable because i just want to live a carefree, fearless life.
but it doesn't come free and yeah i wish it does.
but you see, i completed my bloody project paper of two semesters, like finally,
but i felt nothing about it.
i do not feel relief i just feel nothing.
and this is not what i have imagined for this moment,
and it simply turns out to be like this.
those nights i stay awake, those tired minds i brought to classes,
are they enough or not to be said as a sacrifice ?
either way, i really do not feel accomplished.
i am tired that's all.
oh life.
.
.
.
.
so i am always awkward with the conclusion to my post.
okay since the whole post is clouded by a gloomy mood,
i shall end this cheerfully.
uhhh 3 months apart,
it's good to be back.
and i really hope my sun will shine tomorrow.
and oh Happy Euro 2016 !
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