mid October, and i still don't have the slightest idea of my route for this semester.
probably it's because i've been going back to my hometown too frequent,
and also because most of the tutorials have not started.
so i am left clueless, super c l u e l e s s .

everyday i live like a souless zombie, doing only what need to be done.
for example,
i only do my part today when my group have to present the day after tomorrow.
i tried so hard to concentrate in class by taking down notes, to have myself ended up lost in the midst of lecture. every single lecture.
i only prepare the meeting's minute a day before next meeting. yeap i dragged almost for a week, and i find no meaning in doing so.
all of these very well explains i do only what i had to do, nothing more, nothing less.
but sometimes i did ( i think i did ) stuffs more than what i am supposed to do,
but i don't feel more productive.
i mean i should feel happy because i have accomplished more,
but in my heart i would just tell myself i did it just right, i did what i am supposed to do.
but in my heart too, i wanted to tell myself i actually did more than i should.
and thus i am messed up like that,
constantly needing to live with two very conscious souls in one body.

i felt so lost & aimless last night & quietly cried through my sleep.
i have so much thoughts running in my mind, thinking of all sorts of things i wanted to say but i just can't.
because i know what people would tell me after i tell them how i felt.
i know because it has been the same for as long as i am alive.
having to live with 2 different thoughts everyday is eating me up.
then i'd think about people around me, and came to a conclusion.
somehow i realized people don't appreciate me as who i am, but mainly because they need something from me.
my gadgets, my tools.
people would just often take my phone just like that and play with whatever they like.
they wouldn't notice that my phone's battery is dropping,
or my phone is heating up,
because they know they just want to kill their time by using my phone.
so many times when i was using, they would just say eh lend me your phone for a while,
and a while turned into an eternity.
i couldn't bring myself to say no i don't know why.
maybe i am afraid that they will hate me,
and because i know God's child isn't supposed to be so stingy and protective over material stuffs.
so i'll sit there still and sulk just inside my heart,
and then hate myself for thinking about people like that.
sometimes too i would think that i do not have to right to judge people like that because i might be the same in their eyes as they are in mine.
and i am not supposed to judge at all because only God can do that.

sometimes i wished i could just type what was in my mind ,
but i realized the mind works best when i am not multitasking.
so either think or write.,
because to think and write at the same time makes this post a lot shittier.

to a better october.